I'm Sorry
by Flawless Beauti
Summary: It isn't healthy, what they have. But neither can stop it. Slash


_The italics are Sora._ Everything else is Riku.

I have decide it's most likely going to have at least one more chapter, but I don't know when it's going to be finished because I am working on several other stories at this point in time.

I can't believe after all this time you'd choose her over me. We knew each other forever, Sora. It was only us two, friends or so you had me believe. Yet after everything we've been through together, you'd betray that in an instant. For her. Tell me what happened, Sora. I'll give you the benefit of the doubt. Did she smile just too pretty for you to turn away? Was her innocent face as she pleaded with you too much to bear? Was it that easy to eject my face from your mind, and to not even apologize after wards? 'You're making this a big deal, Riku. All I did was show her the spot.' I even tried to explain. 'It was **OUR** spot, Sora! We found it together, we visited it together, and we promised **ONLY US** could go.' You just shrugged and looked away. After that you couldn't even look me in the eye. Was it from guilt? Or was it something more? Did you want to forget I existed, so it would just be you and her? Did I do something wrong, Sora? Or was it just that she was right?

I know I'm rambling, and honestly, I'm sorry. Look, do you see how easy it is to say that? I'm sorry. I'msorryI'msorryI'msorry. So why can't you say it? Why can't you even try to see things my way? What happened to the Sora I've always known; the Sora that would listen to me, whether he agreed or not? You use to be my best friend, a person who never gave up on me no matter what. You fought for me, you killed for me, and now you tell me it was all nothing to you? That all the laughs, inside jokes, and whispered secrets could be thrown away for someone you barely knew? I even thought she would just be a fling. I mean, she was new, right? New people are interesting, but it fades. I kept up that illusion until she approached me, asking if it was true. Something I had entrusted to you and only you, and you spilled to this…this person. Needless to say I was outraged, but also hurt. Oh, so hurt. I questioned you, yet you couldn't even look me in my eye. You stumbled over your words, alternating from denial to nonsense. I ask if you want me to leave; for all our connections to be broken. You panic, grabbing my shoulders and pressing your forehead against mine. 'Please don't leave me.' You say in a strangled voice, eyes shinier than usual. I don't understand you at all. You say you want me to stay, yet all you do is push me away.

How can somebody change so much? I don't understand. I never understood, and I didn't think I ever would. Then that girl came up, scowl on her face. 'Why can't you leave him –us- alone? Why do you care so much?' I know I came up with something snappy, but the truth is, she got me thinking. Why did I care so much? I mean, yeah, you're like my brother. But if it were anyone else I would have just walked away. Maybe smirked at them, sat back, and watched as they realized their mistake. Yet for some reason I just couldn't-can't. I'm like an addict, and you my drug.

_   
How am I supposed to explain myself? There is nothing I can say that won't condemn me; even the truth sits, waiting to ensnare me as soon as the words tumble from my mouth. What can I do to make you see that it was never what you thought it was? I never turned against you, even though I suppose that is the way it would seem. Even she believes she means more to me then you, yet that is the furthest thing from the truth. I never wanted her. Dammit Riku you should know me better then that! I know what I said and couldn't say. I know what you must think about me, and there is nothing I can do about that. But I never meant to hurt you. I was trying to make it easier. I messed that up didn't I? The hurt in your eyes; I couldn't stand to look at them when all I could see was what I was doing to you. I had sworn to never hurt you, yet look at what I was doing. I had broken your trust and our friendship. What kind of apology could ever explain that? What could I tell you that would be honest, yet would keep you as clueless as I wanted you to be? I'm sorry I'm breaking you by trying to save you? Please forgive me for the feelings that make it bittersweet to be near you? That I apologize for pretending to love her, just to keep you from finding out? Finding out it was never her I loved; it was you._

_What could I say when you told me you were gay? I wanted to jump and confide in you, but that would be awkward. I thought 'another time, another place', only it never came. Instead, Kairi did. I thought if I stayed with her, tried to forget you, it would work. But it didn't. It seemed like everything I did to try and protect you turned and backfired on me. You asked me to let you leave. Yet I couldn't. Oh god I couldn't even stand the thought. Then you left. I had been trying to get you to leave so I could forget, but when you left I felt as if I had too. I couldn't handle it, not having you with me. I knew I had to find you. I had to explain. I had to do something._

_Only when we were reunited I had no courage. The relief threatened to overpower me, yet I couldn't tell you why. I know you saw your pain reflected in my eyes, and for that I am sorry. Maybe that's what I need to apologize for. I'm sorry for being in pain, and letting you see it. I'm sorry for dragging you down with me, when all I was trying to do was help you float. I'm sorry I can't be the perfect somebody that's good enough for you. But most of all, I'm sorry that I can never explain this to you. I'm sorry that you can never know. Because I value our friendship, what little we have left, over everything. Maybe that's what love is. Sacrificing anything and everything to try and make somebody happy. Sometimes it works, I know it does. Yet we're special. That's how we've always been. Normal things will never work for us, and I know that. I'm sorry._


End file.
